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Author Topic: I Aint Censoring Myself Any More ~Humour  (Read 3291 times)

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Offline PaPa-J

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I Aint Censoring Myself Any More ~Humour
« on: June 12, 2018, 05:09:08 PM »
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?

I went to the drug store and told the clerk" Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk:"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir
I said "Nah... She's pretty good lookin'..."
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you. Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but...
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you're pushing fifty...............who cares?
Lighten up, just enjoy life,
smile more, laugh more,
and don't get so worked up
about things.

Offline Pythias900KMB

Re: I Aint Censoring Myself Any More ~Humour
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 09:38:42 PM »
ROFL!!!

I am having a bit of a rough time over here and this is exactly what the doctor ordered.  Gratitude for the belly laugh!!!

Offline brick_mortimer

Re: I Aint Censoring Myself Any More ~Humour
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2018, 02:24:51 PM »
 :D
They have a bit of George Carlin vibe
Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
Me no coffee function without so good